Within this blog I am continuing working through the point of guilt within OCD,
wherein not only am I placing myself as less important and less valued than the
disorder, but I am also placing those in my world as second to my disorder.
Continued from:
Day 162- OCD: The Guilt (pt 3)
I commit myself to walk myself into and as self-acceptance
when I am around others, because I see, realize and understand that the way I
feel around others is merely a reflection of the way I feel about myself, only
that it’s suppressed when I’m alone, and it is shown to me when I am around
others, because when I’m around others, I have beings around that I project
myself onto, and to have backchats and internal conversations about, which is
all going on within my own mind only, and has nothing to do with anyone but
myself.
Continued from:
Day 162- OCD: The Guilt (pt 3)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap
myself into and as a disorder that takes my time/focus/investment of myself
into and as energy which leads to events and play-outs in my life such as being
late and thus making others wait, being frustrated and angry with myself and
projecting it on to others, being/becoming quiet and subdued and not opening
up/explaining why but instead creating a difficult environment of ‘uncertainty’
and friction for those around me, and instead of facing myself and opening
up/letting others in, I would retract within myself and want to disappear and
not have to face myself and face others as me and thus not take any
responsibility for that which I am creating, but instead try to escape it and
then react to it within more anger towards myself, more frustration with myself
and my environment, more isolation within myself, and more guilt and regret suppressed
within me.
I commit myself to walk myself into and as self-acceptance
when I am around others, because I see, realize and understand that the way I
feel around others is merely a reflection of the way I feel about myself, only
that it’s suppressed when I’m alone, and it is shown to me when I am around
others, because when I’m around others, I have beings around that I project
myself onto, and to have backchats and internal conversations about, which is
all going on within my own mind only, and has nothing to do with anyone but
myself.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my reactions
emotions ideas and beliefs, wherein,
instead of accepting and allowing them
to influence me, I let them go, and I breathe myself back Here,
especially around others, which I am grateful for because it shows me where I
am still not accepting myself, and where and how I can gift myself back to
myself in self-acceptance.
I commit myself to let other in to me or to let myself out to
them, without fear or defensiveness or self-consciousness or worry, just to
freely express myself as who and what I am at this point, flaws and all.
Fearlessly.
When and as I am around others and I begin to feel the anger
and frustration arise within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back
to self-acceptance by reminding myself that, although I still fuck up, and I
still have a disorder, and I still repeat abusive and destructive patterns and
habits, that reacting to this is only adding fuel to the fire, and that the
most supportive thing I can do for myself in that moment, is to just breathe,
and let go. Just Stop, and Change. In that moment I have the power to do so,
and because I have decided to support myself to live life for real, it only makes
sense to do that which supports me in moments like these, instead of going down
the same old path of anger, frustration, hate, loathing and fear, perpetuating
all of these things instead of living a life of uninhibited self-expression.
When and as I see that I am retracting within myself when I
am around others, because of and due to the way I feel others see me because of
the damage I have inflicted upon myself and my own skin, I stop, and I breathe.
I slam the doors shut to my mind and I force myself to remain in the physical,
exposed for all to see. And I stand and prove to myself that I am no less than
my own image of myself, that I can stand and walk within stability no matter
how I look, and that after I expose myself,
I remain, and I’m still here to continue walking as I build my strength,
my self-will and my resolve.
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you
and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively
that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic
thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at
what you create within.
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