This blog is continued from:
Day
143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the FaceDay 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality
In walking my process of OCD in writing I have discovered an
interesting thing: I have OCD. Meaning, I knew that I compulsively picked my
skin, and that this was not normal, and it is obsessive, compulsive, and a
disorder. But what I hadn’t yet realized is the extent to which I display and
participate within obsessive compulsive behaviours in many other areas of my
life.
As I have been writing through this disorder, it has been
becoming much more intense in my daily living. Although this is difficult,
uncomfortable and at times miserable, it is also quite useful as it makes the
points more obvious and easier to access and describe or ‘walk through’ in writing.
What I experience recently was OCD sabotaging the simple task
of grocery shopping. I don’t generally have an issue with grocery shopping; in
fact it is something I rather enjoy, when I am prepared for it. However, when I
am engaged within the OCD cycle/energy/character, it is a different story.
I begin by dreading going/leaving the house/moving towards
beginning the task. Immediately the
excuses begin: I don’t have time, I don’t have money, it’s too much right now,
I can’t handle it in this state, I don’t want to see people, I don’t want to
face the world outside my house…and so on. And then when I finally get my ass
out the door I usually don’t have
enough time because it took me so long to get there. When I’m there I am then
easily worked up into a complete state of panic because I think I’m forgetting
something, if I get something other than the basics I feel like I’m spending too
much money and I’m going to overdraft my bank, I feel like I’m not going to get
enough and get home and realize there’s nothing to eat in the house, then I won’t
have enough money for gas because I will have used so much going back and forth
from the grocery store. It’s funny because all these things have in fact
happened at one point or another, but I obviously survived. So really it’s just
my mind using past experiences to project in to the future in an intensified
way wherein I fear it happening again
Now, to give credit where credit is due, and to avoid
focusing only on ‘the problem’, I have to also look at the fact that I have
made progress with this, as I have worked on this point throughout my process
of self-forgiveness in a roundabout way within directing myself to see tasks
through. However, at times it has been unnecessarily difficult as I have not
addressed the point directly, thus allowing the pattern to continue. Herein, I
address the point directly:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only
consider a task is ‘done’ when and as I experience a feeling of ‘doneness’,
instead of basing the completion of the task on actual practical completion.
Within this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘feel’
like a task is never done, causing me to lock myself into a task, searching for
that feeling of ‘doneness’/’completion’ without realizing that the feeling is
something I create in unawareness, and thus have no directive decision-making
ability within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give
away my directive decision-making ability regarding completing tasks because I
have based the point of completion on an energetic experience in the mind, and
not on an actual practical assessment grounded in reality, based on the actual
reasonable completion of the task in physical reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess
over tasks, searching for the ‘feeling’ of ‘completion’/’doneness’, within the
belief that I have to continue to work on the task until I achieve the ‘feeling’
of ‘doneness’/’completion’, wherein I either reach a stage of exhaustion, or
give up without having attained ‘completion’/’doneness’ as an experience, because such a state was not necessarily even possible, attainable or in my control to
attain.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when
and as I ‘give up’ on tasks without attaining the feeling/experience of ‘completion’/’doneness’,
to then create and manifest an experience of anger, anxiety and fear due to the
thoughts, judgments, backchat and internal conversation I accept and allow
within myself, about having ‘given up’ or ‘not finished’ that which I had
started/set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts,
judgments, backchat and internal conversations that tell me I have failed/let
myself down/disappointed myself by having not properly completed/finished a
task, and that because I have not properly finished/completed the task I will
create chaos and disorder in my life that I will not be able to control, and/or
others will see or find out that I am one who does not tend to things properly,
or properly completes tasks, thus creating anger, fear and anxiety within and
as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that I will only experience the feeling of ‘completion’/’doneness’
if I do a task ‘perfectly’, or a very certain specific way that I will only
realize if/when I do it that way, wherein, if I don’t experience the feeling of
‘doneness’/’completion’, that it means that I have not done the task properly,
perfectly, or the right way, and therefore
must keep trying, over and over until I get it, instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that the task is complete and done, when it is
complete an done, and the proper completion of a task has nothing to do with my
internal experience as a ‘feeling’ or ‘experiencing’ of ‘completion’ or ‘doneness’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
overwhelmed at the thought of beginning tasks because I think/believe/perceive
that they will be daunting and exhausting, because I have a history of having
in fact turned simple tasks into daunting and exhausting tasks within and
through endlessly chasing the ‘feeling’ or ‘experience’ of ‘doneness’ or ‘completion’
which isn’t even based in reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up
on tasks before I even start them because I think/believe/perceive that it is
unavoidable that I will turn them in to huge, daunting exhausting tasks,
instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my power and
ability to practically assess the task before I begin, and to decide upon a
clear end-point where I will stop working on the task, and then ensure that I
do in fact stop, regardless of the presence or lack of an internal feeling or
experience of completion.
Self-corrective statements to follow…
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn
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Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .
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