Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality

This blog is continued form:

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows

Within this blog, I am looking at one dimension of the cycles that I use to create and perpetuate my compulsive skin-picking disorder by having observed what goes on in my mind while i am in the midst of the possession. By doing this, I am able to see and determine what thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs I participate within and as throughout the day, which I accumulate and compound into certains energies and energetic experiences within mywelf, as myself, that I look to escape and/or release through participating in obsessive-compulsive behaviour. I am looking at this dimension with the tool of self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to and participate in the pattern of skin-picking that creates an intense clarity and focus, wherein I would go into events, memories, fantasies and imaginings about things that I wished I had done or said or what I should have done or said or will do and will say next time, wherein, I end up playing out the scene in my mind in perfection, without thinking through any way  to practically apply myself in the situation or event, and then in reality I find I am not able to stand up as Who I Am in the situation, creating frustration, anger, anxiety and disappointment.

I commit myself to use my ability to imagine to contemplate practical solutions for situations and events that I find myself falling within, wherein instead of cycling the memories over and over in judgment, I can work through them in self-forgiveness in order to understand where and why I fall, in order to better direct myself in the situation the next time it comes up.

When and as I see that I am cycling thoughts, memories, fantasies and imaginings wherein I create a movie-like play out of who and how I am as superior and/or inferior to others and to situations and events, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-equality by giving myself a moment to consider where exactly I am in my life and process, which will always be right Here, and I  face the next moment as Who I Am, instead of who or how I would like to be, or how I judge myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take situations where I have fallen, for example within a confrontation, or even an interaction within which I was not self-honest with my actions, words or thoughts, and/or situations where I have disappointed myself, and then playing them over and over in my mind, picking myself apart, then physically picking at my skin, thinking and feeling that I am getting somewhere and doing something constructive, and cycling the thought over and over in my imagination while picking my skin, and as I feel the release, I am able to imagine myself saying all the right things, instead of the reality of what I had done as backing down, suppressing or speaking words I do not live. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within feeling the release of skin picking, connect that feeling to the thought, idea, perception or belief that I am releasing something real, such as the frustration, disappointment, anger, anxiety and fear that I exist within and as throughout my day or week or month etc…when actually I am creating more disappointment, anxiety, fear, anger and frustration the more I participate in hurting myself and giving away my power and my self-control, self-discipline and self-will to this addiction.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the feeling of release to the thoughts of myself expressing myself as I had always wanted to express myself, unburdened, uninhibited, expressive and outward, instead of the reality that I have existed as most of the time which is inward, suppressed , inhibited, shy, anxious etc… and within this relationship of skin-picking and imagination, I create a very real experience that I AM in fact doing/being/expressing that which I always dreamed, but in reality, I am only charging thoughts, ideas, imaginings and fantasies with the energetic experience of release I create and manifest when and as I pick my skin.

I commit myself to, throughout my day, stop the thoughts as they arise, wherein I will fantasize and imagine about situations and play the situation over and over in my head creating energetic feeling and emotional charges- feeling charges wherein I will go into superiority and play the situation out in my mind in such a way that I express myself the way I had always wanted to (being accepted, being right, being validated, being funny, being interesting, etc…); or emotional charges wherein I will imagine the situation and all the things that prevented me from doing what I was  going to do, or being the way I really wanted to be, thus making excuses and justifications for why I was prevented from expressing myself, when in fact, nothing ever prevents me from expressing myself but me. I see, realize and understand that in both cases-I disempower myself- because when I go into superiority in my mind, what happens is when I face the same or similar situation in reality, is that I am not able to be the person I am in my imagination. It is not easy like it was in my mind, or I simply cannot do it/overcome the shyness/anxiety/fear/desire or whatever it may be that holds me back, and so I judge myself as having failed and I become angry like “why couldn’t I just do it?” and I lose my self-trust because I had fooled myself that I was something that I was not. And then on the emotional side- the negatively charged imaginings/fantasies- I would encounter the same or similar situation in reality, and immediately give up, go in to the cycles of disempowerment and see everything as insurmountable obstacles because I had already played it out in my head- I had already failed. So either way- I give up, and give in, let myself down, sabotage my life, and seek the release of picking my skin-wherein it has become a compulsion, an obsession and an addiction, because I don’t see any other way out of the cycle or any way to stop, but I had never considered stopping my participation in the thoughts that create the energy on a daily basis, energy which I then look to escape or release through skin picking.

When and as I see that I am following thoughts, fantasies, imaginings and play-outs in my mind, I stop, and I take a breath. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that I’m not going to figure anything out by obsessively running through scenarios over and over in my mind because it creates energetic charges that will bite me in the ass later. I remind myself that it’s okay to consider how to practically handle a situation, but that I must do so within a realistic and self-honest introspection of who I am at the moment, and what I am actually realistically capable of. I prepare myself to realize when to STOP thinking about a situation, and to not take it too far wherein I start to get worked up about it, by creating red flags, such as when I start to get a feeling or emotional charge: this is the point where I know for sure I have taken it too far- beyond a practical consideration, and into the fantasy land that creates energy, ideas, perceptions and beliefs within me that I use to sabotage myself with later. I remind myself to STOP myself from obsessively over thinking situations, and to simply drop it in one breath, and to allow myself to actually face the situation in real life, in order that I may see who I really am, where I ‘m actually at in my process, and what I am and am not capable of, so that I can work on those areas where I am falling and enhance those areas where I am standing. This way, I can over time, develop the self-trust and self-standing within which I will develop the ability to stand in situations without having to first prepare myself, but rather, to manage, process and handle reality in the moment, as Who I Am as self-expression as Life.

To be continued....

For further insight into how I am learning to direct myself within confrontations, visit: Day 11- EgoManiac Goes on the ATTACK... ends up greatly humbled

 Day 15- Anger Reactions

Day 17- Survival of the Fittest Ego  

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