Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows

This blog is continued form:

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD

Within this blog, I will be looking at this point of justification I use when participating in OCD, wherein I will think to myself, “It doesn’t matter if no one knows” “it will heal in time”, “I’m not going to see anyone for a while” and so on. But the truth is: I know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, or perceive that I have fooled myself into thinking that I am avoiding that which I apparently only feel in the presence of others when they see my face or my skin, instead of seeing the reality of the situation, which is that I am actually suppressing it within me, wherein I have managed to get myself to the point where I only see it clearly when others are around and see the damage I have done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify indulging in the addiction of OCD/dermatillomania because of the thought, perception, or belief that “the only consequences are physical, and therefore, if no one knows about it, it’s like it never happened”. Instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it doesn’t matter if other people know or not, I know. I know the effect it has on my relationship to myself, wherein, when I think I’m doing something ‘in secret’, I am actually only hiding from facing how I feel about myself, the betrayal I feel towards myself, the regret I feel, the shame, the disappointment, the judgment, the anger, and the self-diminishment, wherein I am giving up everything of myself, and diminishing myself to this one point of addiction/obsession/compulsion.

I commit myself to embrace myself as Who I Am at this stage, with all my flaws, fuck ups and mistakes, in complete and unconditional forgiveness, accepting me, accepting what I have become, accepting myself completely, wherein I give/gift myself the platform from which I can fix myself, heal myself, sort myself out, complete myself, fulfill myself, through forgiving myself, and taking a stand within myself and without according to what I will accept and not accept about myself.

When and as I expose to myself and reveal to myself the betrayal I feel towards myself, the regret I feel, the shame, the judgment, the anger, the disappointment and the self-diminishment I experience in the presence of others, due to what I have done unto myself in terms of the self-harm caused by skin-picking, I stop, and I breathe. I take that moment to instead embrace myself, as Who I Am at this stage, as everything I have done and become, and I accept Me, and I forgive me, and I take the stand that I do not accept and allow myself to further abuse and diminish myself through the thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs I create about/towards myself in secret because of and due to the fact that I have used skin-picking to cope with my life and reality.

To be continued...

 

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