Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

This blog continued from yesterday’s blog, and is part of a series in which I am taking apart the issues I experience that hold me back from being an effective student. For the entire series click Here.

 Written in italics (scroll down to see) are paragraphs from Day 122- I Am No Match For ME, which I am taking apart and deconstructing within this blog in order to find out what self-destructive patterns and habits are existent within me hidden in my own words. In this way, the written word becomes the key to unlocking the secrets of the self, in order to fully understand self ("Man, know thyself"), to empower myself to change.



 

It's interesting that the habits and patterns that I have thusfar accepted and allowed to exist within me, as me, are actually based in self-interest, but are also self-diminishing and self-destructive. Here I am pulling apert these habits and patterns that are getting in the way of my studies and being/becoming an effective student, but the by-product of this (and the main point) is to rid myself of the nature of existing only within/as self-interest, in order to re-create myself as a human being that is actually capable of caring, and of considering the fact that there is a whole wide world of peopl/beings/life 'out there' that is being disregarded.

Self-change is required so that we may each individuallly stand as the living change of that which we require to be to change the world. No matter how long it takes, it has to start somewhere, so might as well have it be us: our generation: this group of people that we are right now a part of, all existing Here at the same time on the same planet. Because, otherwise, what's the point of life, if not LIFE? All Life.

 

But first things first, step by step, we can only change at the pace of the breath of life.

 

 

 

Deoncstructing my words, finding the hidden self-interest: (for context, please read Day 122- I Am No Match For ME). The following question arose within my mind in relation to why I don't want to let go of certain things that keep me from being self-disciplined.

So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns to instead support myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Who I Am exists in my mind, as my perception of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am as Life exists in my actions and words and the thoughts that reflect what I ACTUALLY do, not just who or what I THINK I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the reality of myself in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, wherein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to thoughts and ideas I have of myself that make me seem better then who/what I really am ,so that I can actually live with myself, instead of being fed up with myself, which I should be, to the point that I change no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that we don’t see ourselves clearly, the reality of ourselves, the reality of Who We Really are in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, allows each one of us to continue on living in ways which are less than who we really are, then we either make ourselves ‘seeeeeem’ better than that within and through our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or we diminish ourselves to the point of disempowerment and giving up- either way- we allow ourselves to continue on without changing, day after day after day, until we wake up one day and we’re 40, 50, 60, 70…dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not deal with what goes on inside me in every moment, until who I am without, as my external actions, words and deeds are an exact mirror of who I am within, and so that my without and within are aligned with a way of living that is supportive to Life, as all as one living organism, as equal individual parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with a sub-standard version of myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself, and who I really am in my living actions, I complete, utter and brutal self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, perceive I exist within and as my intentions, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my action that I am in any way relevant.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc.. Thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back and directing myself within self-discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest frustration within and as me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this frustration as an excuse why I can’t change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to overwhelm me in one moment, leading me to want to give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that frustration is not one bit necessary, as I am never frustrated when I am actively working towards practical solutions, I only become frustrated when I’m not moving myself, when the work I’m doing is impractical, when there is no defined solution, or when I’m falling in the face of resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not resolve the issues I face, as I face them, but to instead grow frustrated and blame events and things outside myself for why it is not working out, why I can’t focus/concentrate, why I don’t want to do it, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to use frustration as a reason, justification or excuse to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever think that my frustration does not have myself as its source and solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use frustration to continue doing/being/living in a manner that is less than who I am (lack of understanding, lack of discipline/motivation/self-movement, lack of self-equality/equality with others, too much judgment etc, etc, etc…)

Self committments and self-correction to follow.

 

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