Day 96- Paralyzing Pain

I woke up in the middle of the night with pain so bad in my head and back that the thought occurred that I would prefer to die then to continue experiencing this pain-lol! I took the first pain medication I could find, which I found out later had been expired for two years, I got the only heating pad I have, which is designed for cats, which only activates when there is enough pressure on it- And I slept on and off on the couch and in the morning I could not move. I could not get up until I absolutely had to to go to the bathroom, wherein the pain literally took my breath away as I moved. I found some heavier pain medication and took it, but the pain persists, So I did a little research and found the following article which I applied self-forgiveness on all the points I could relate to:

“Perspective:

This specific area (upper back and neck) is 'related to' the 'manifestation system' of the experience of the words:

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

“Where your breathing is within constant anxiety within you - so your focus /attention is on the anxiety you experience within you, which cause strain within your application together with fear of the uncertainty of whether your application is effective enough - which cause self judgment within you and then the inevitable resistance to actually apply yourself. So, it's a 'cycle' that manifests as a system because of mind / thought participation.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed constant anxiety to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe within constant anxiety and with a constant focus upon the anxiety that I experience within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly focus on the anxiety that I have accepted and allowed to exist as a constant experience within me, causing strain within my application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest fear and uncertainty about my application within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose fear and uncertainty instead of patiently developing self-trust.

I commit myself to be and become the patience, dedication, perseverance and commitment necessary to develop absolute self-trust as Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about my application, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-judgment does not change me or create results, is it a waste of time and the outcome is self-sabotage, what does/will change me and create results that are best for me is testing out my application and making adjustments where needed.

I commit myself to the careful documentation of myself and my process in order that I may understand what I am doing and why I am doing it, so that I can test it out and look self-honestly at the results, and make common-sense changes where needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-judgment, wherein I have thus then created resistances within me.

“The 'main cause' of this is your 'anxiety towards others / other people' within your world: Your thoughts 'straining much' towards other human being's reactions within your world towards you because you are participating in this process. The question you have to ask yourself ... is to ensure that you're doing this process for you, and you alone. Other human beings and their 'thoughts and their minds' are really irrelevant. At the moment you're allowing your mind to be preoccupied with what could/might possibly be occurring within other human being's mind's, which is a real mind fuck.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest anxiety within myself towards others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself towards other human being’s reactions within my world towards me because I am participating in this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with other human beings, and I remind myself that this is my individual process.

When and as I see that I am straining much about other beings reactions towards me because of my participation in this process, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I am doing this process for me, and me alone. The thoughts in the minds of other human beings are irrelevant, and I see the lack of common sense in preoccupying my mind with what could/might possibly be occurring within other human being’s minds.

To be continued...