Day 77- The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation

Within this blog, I am looking at a second event in which I experienced the fear of confrontation. And although I may have appeared confident and certain on the outside, this is what I went through internally (beginning with a brief description of the event, from yesterday’s blog)”

“ [the event] involved me revealing a decision I had made to some people who very likely would not approve. I experienced several waves of fear before telling them. It was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it a secret, suppress it, hide it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of standing as it. And this is very much how I experience myself within myself- as this hiding, keeping secret, suppressing, or restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the decision was in fact a part of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me that wanted to keep it hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the part that lays itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up speaking my decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me within the conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend myself and convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again seeking validation/approval.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing equal to and one with the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself within/as self-direction within/as the decisions I make, specifically when I think/believe/perceive the decision will be challenged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having my decisions challenged or resisted, and within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to have any part of myself challenged/resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to hide/keep secret/suppress any part of myself due to the fear of having it challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to restrict/restrain/control myself within/as the fear of having that part of me challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because then I have to stand up within/as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because I exist within/as ego, and ego can be hurt, ego can lose in the game of winners and losers- a game created within/as ego, and ego doesn’t like to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach others from a starting point of ego, wherein I participate within an unspoken competition, instead of walking my process within/as humility, where I stand within the principle of oneness and equality within my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself as ego, in situations where I think/believe/perceive I might ‘lose.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a game of winners and losers, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value ‘winners’ as ‘more than’ and ‘losers’ as ‘less than’, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ‘less than’ within and as my own self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to ‘win’ and be ‘more-than others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ and being ‘less-than’ others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that whomever ‘wins’ and is ‘more-than; gets/deserves the ‘power’ in the situation, and whomever ‘loses’ and is ‘less-than’ has to/must abdicate his/her power because of some unspoken ‘rules of engagement’ within relationships between people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as ‘more-‘ or ‘less-than’ any other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I’ve defined myself as having ‘lost’, to then not abdicate my power because I’ve seen/realized/understood that ‘I’m still Here’, and thus, I see/realize/understand that the game does not exist, and that we are all in fact equal.