Day 26- What is Left After Love?
After the realization that everything and all that I have been up to this point has been based on the pursuit of internal experiences of myself in relation to all that’s Here, without a consideration for actually reality and the others within it, instead of being One with all that’s Here, within consideration of all (everything and everyone) I am left wondering, what’s next? What come after this? Specifically, and as a first step, what is beyond ‘love’ in a relationship, once one realizes that the entire conception of ‘love’ is based on self-interest (in terms of concerning oneself only with their internal self-experience) and manipulation (trying to control one’s own internal self-experience by manipulating one’s environment and the others within it).
What happens after the realization that I have based my self-definition in terms of my relationship within my ability to love, or to ‘make’ someone feel ‘loved’ (within the realization that I do not actually have that power), and within and as my perception/idea/belief in /as another’s desire for me and for my love, only to find out that, their internal experience has nothing really to do with me, nor mine with them? For me, this shatters the illusion of two co-dependent beings in a relationship where each completes the other, giving it apparent purpose, meaning and worth, and calling the co-dependency ‘love’. What exists between two whole beings that don’t need each other to fulfill of complete each other- what exists between two independent beings that can provide for themselves?
When I got back home after two years away at school, my husband and I realized something: we don’t NEED each other. We had both been through a lot, and because of the situation, we HAD to go through it alone, whereas before that, we always had each other to lean on. Little did we know, we had become each other’s crutch, and in that, dis-abled each other by developing a dependence for/on each other. Now I’m home after a long time, I was expecting our relationship to return to the comfort and security of co-dependence, but what I realized is that, we’ve changed. There’s no going back from the realization that you can take care of yourself and you are all you need. I mean, I suppose there is, but I can’t imagine wanting to.
However, there is a little adjusting I need to do here. I have gone through several stages within this change, and I would like to address them so that I can release them and continue forward, building myself so that my relationship can be built upon the solid foundation of two whole beings, who CHOOSE to be together due to the mutual enjoyment of each other, due to the mutual commitment made to one another, and the mutual support we are able to provide each other, to help each other stand as individuals alone in this world, where we are all really alone within ourselves.
Who am I within love?:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within love, within the idea/perception/belief that ‘love’ involves a giving up or a giving away of self and of one’s independence and wholeness, thus defining myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete within relationships of ‘love’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete, within the belief that that is all that I am, and that I cannot stand alone, but rather need a partner, a co-dependent being, within the idea that that is acceptable if it is called ‘love.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the idea/perception/belief/experience of ‘love,’ without considering what and how I define, experience and live ‘love,’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become/have become dependent on ‘love’ as co-dependence, un-wholeness, and insecurity as the belief that I cannot exist in a relationship/agreement without this experience of ‘love.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘more secure’ if I have/am/participate within the definition of ‘love’ I have created and thus far existed within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘safe’ if I depend upon another in the name of ‘love,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am de-stabilizing, un-securing and making myself unsafe in this world by giving myself away to my experience of ‘love,’ because within this giving away of self, and developing of dependence, I am making the statement to myself that I am not Able, I am not capable of doing this alone, or of existing as a complete whole within the greater Whole, unless I have a partner in ‘love.’
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if another does not constantly and continuously express ‘love’ to and towards me, then I am ‘not loved,’ instead of standing up within the realization that this constant need for reassurance is a constant need to manipulate my internal experience which is, according to how I live ‘love,’ incomplete, dependent, un-whole and insecure, and changing myself, over time, to stop such experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is just an experience in relation to another, and an experience within and as what I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live as ‘love.’
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to love myself completely and unconditionally, within the understanding that I am Here, whole and thus equally as deserving of self-love and self-acceptance, equal to and one with all that’s Here, knowing that my expression of self-love and self-acceptance is proven to me by me through the self-change that I have committed myself to through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, wherein I am re-creating myself as a being that I can accept and love, and within the expression of my unconditional love for all that’s here, I am committed to bring about a change in this world, by being and becoming a living. breathing statement of equality as I work toward the basic level of equality that will be brought about within and through an Equal Money System, so that the expression of unconditional love can actually be realized and lived, and until then- I breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of less-than, incomplete, un-whole and dependent when I think/perceive/believe that another does not love me if he changes, because I have entered into the relationship from a starting point and foundation of insecurity- seeking security, dependence, and un-whole-seeking wholeness, without considering that, until I give these gifts to myself, I will never be them, and the relationship will never be enough so long as I seek them outside of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to being treated a certain way, until I have built myself as ‘who I am’ based upon ‘the way I am treated,’ instead of standing as Who I Am no matter how I am treated by others in my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘love’ exists.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that love has never really existed, only self-interest. And if love had truly ever existed, the world would be a very different place right now. Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see actual reality, and the proven non-existence of love in this world, as is proven by the state of things, where most humans suffer, and most animals suffer, and the environment we live in is treated like our waste receptacle, where nothing is truly considered as equal to our own lives because we each live as if we are the most important ones, and fight tooth and nail for our own survival, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if we each contributed instead of took, there would be enough for all, and real love could actually finally exist and be experienced for the first time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist only within and as self-interest in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to fulfill and complete me, instead of realizing that I fulfill and complete myself.
Who am I after ‘love’?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-doubt in terms of taking self-responsibility within a relationship, instead of actually living, step by step and breath by breath as a whole and complete being that takes the self-responsibility to to fulfill, love and accept herself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, deny and compromise myself for fear of standing alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become addicted to the energetic experiences I receive from others, specifically with regards to what I have defined as ‘love,’ because I define myself only in relation to and not One With others and all that’s here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as one part, within and as equal responsibility as self-responsibility, of the Whole that is Here in reality, and which we are all blatantly equally a part of, and therefor equally responsible for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that if I am ‘in love,’ or if I ‘have love’ then I am not alone and don’t have to take self-responsibility, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that everything I seek in love, and everything that I require to stand alone, is actually Here and Who I Am already, I only haven’t realized it yet. I see/realize/understand the self-commitment require to become a Whole, as a living statement of equality and oneness, and I am committed, as I commit myself to invest the time and dedication to myself as to all, within the realization and understanding that it will take time, but not an endless amount of time. We don’t have an endless amount of time, we have this one life, and there’s a lot to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I need to know who and how to be Who I Am Alone in order to be it, instead of realizing that if I were to pursue the experience of ‘already knowing’ who and how I am, I will only repeat the who and how I have already been, as a dependent being existing within the self-perception and self-definition of experience in relation to my world, instead of existing within and as my world.
When and as I see myself looking to love for encouragement, support, completeness, wholeness, security and worth I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am and always have been Here for me, and that as I live my self-commitment, I will prove to me by being and becoming the living, breathing statement of self-love and self-acceptance as a Whole, where I stand, alone, no matter what.
I commit myself to proving to myself that I Am Here for me, that I complete me, that I decide my worth as equal and one by being the self-directive principle of me within the principles of equality and oneness, that I love and accept me and that I will stand within self-worth no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter who I am with and no matter how I am treated.
I commit myself to being and becoming a being that considers all within her every breath.
I commit myself to recreating my relationship to one ofsupport, with no manipulation, no co-dependency and no insecurity. When he stands, I will be there, and when he falls I will be there. When he stands I am Here, and when he falls I am Here. When I stand, I am Here, when I fall, I Am Here.
I commit myself to let go of the past and walk fearlessly into an unscripted future, step by step, as I remain Here.