Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I would become that, I would become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’ what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only ‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback, because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting, needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise, self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust, respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts and  a serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or enjoyable, for example.