Thursday, January 18, 2018

21 Days of Osho Card Readings, 'Turning In' - Day 7 of 21

"The woman in this image has a faint smile on her face. In fact she is just watching the antics of the mind--not judging, not trying to stop them, not identified, just watching as if they were traffic on the road, or ripples on the surface of a pond. And the antics of the mind are slightly amusing, as it jumps up and down and twists this way and that, trying to get your attention and seduce you into the game. To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about really--not chanting a mantra, or repeating an affirmation, but just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else. You are ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge yourself in the simple freedom of Turning In whenever you can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in you."

  I like to take this concept of objectively watching the mind, and push myself to apply it in all moments, not only special moments such as meditation. For me, how I can apply this card in my life and what it can support with right now, is a 'turning in' while I am busy walking through all the activities and events throughout my day.

This card is a good reminder to, every now and again, take a moment with my breath and ground myself, like a micro-meditation. To pull myself out of whatever mind participation I am busy with, and come back into my body with my feet firmly planted on the ground. This would be like a moment where I do a 'turning in' as a self check, and then I continue with what I am doing so that I can take this self-awareness with me into the task at hand.

Another supportive living expression of this 'turning in' for me can be applied as I integrate doing more of what I love into my day. It has become a new point that I am walking, to do more of the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, or to try out and discover new ones. Even just things I have intended to do in the past but never got around to, never made the time, or never made it a priority. This is the point or intention I was holding within me as I pulled my card today, as I asked for support on how to effectively integrate this new process into my life. 'Turning in' in this way would be to stop, to take a look at what my interests are, and then bringing myself here, fully present while I take the steps to make the time and do them, despite the reasons, justifications and excuses my mind may throw at me to procrastinate or not even do it at all!

 So far I have included spending time with animals, morning yoga, drinking tea, going for walks, growing plants and brewing kombucha (a fermented tea). I would like to keep up these activities and bring in a few more so that my life is not only about working and resting, but more of a fluid motion where I move from those tasks, responsibilities and obligations that I must do, to those activities that I enjoy, to moments of physical exertion and moments of rest, all depending on what is appropriate in the moment.

The important point I want to bring through with 'turning in', is to really make the moment about me, about Who I Am in that moment. Am I rushing around in my mind, trying to get things done as fast as possible, or am I really Here, enjoying the moment, not being seduced into the "ups and downs, twists and turns" of my mind. This way, I will be more Here, be more Myself, get to know myself more and be more present with those around me.

Even in this present moment, I took a moment to 'turn in' once I understood the meaning and my own interpretation of the card. Writing can also be 'meditative' in that it can assist and support one to clear one's mind, ground oneself here, and take a moment to understand, define, find solutions or share a moment in one's life.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Osho Tarot Card of the Day "Go with the Flow" - Day 6 of 21

“The figure in this card is completely relaxed and at ease in the water, letting it take him where it will. He has mastered the art of being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy. He is just available to the currents of life, with never a thought of saying "I don't like that," or "I prefer to go the other way." Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life's waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation to grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.” I think the tendency I may have had in the past with this card would be to interpret this information in such a way where I would ‘go with the flow’ in such a way as to not apply myself fully, not direct myself, and giving up my self-directive principle within the interpretation that ‘life’, as some outside force or entity, has got everything taken care of, and I can just sit back and relax. Within this, what happens is that I get too comfortable and fall into the trap of ‘comfort zones’, where I end up procrastinating, becoming lazy and stagnant, and then accumulate undirected energy in the form of anxiety and stress, because deep down I know this way of living is not what’s best or beneficial to me or anyone. Through walking a process with Desteni, I would now change my interpretation of the phrase “trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go” as a trust in myself AS life, with the journey being more of an internal journey of self-creation. The “where I want to go” is to reach my utmost potential, because this journey is where I actually have the most power and control in the form of self-control or self-mastery. I can ‘go with the flow in terms of getting to know myself, testing things and letting them play out to see who I am within them, and then check in with myself to see where I require adjustments and changes. Remembering that I am that force that I can trust, that Self-Trust that I have been developing and continue to develop. I can relax and be at ease within myself because I know that I can investigate and direct that which causes friction and dis-ease within me, and I can change it. What I do not have complete control over are the external factors and situations I find myself in in life, and so there is a certain amount of ‘going with the flow’ involved there as I make myself “available to the currents of life” by remembering that I always have a say in Who I Am in any given situation, how I react to it, whether or not I judge or become emotional about it. I can direct myself to the best of my ability within the currents of life while not fighting or struggling against them. “Being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy” to me also means that I can let go of the desire for security and control over my external reality, which has the tendency to create stress and anxiety within me, and instead I can remain alert and aware of Who I Am within the waters of life, including the currents, the storms and the stagnations. Instead of trying to control the situation, I practice self-mastery and master the waters within me. This process is only as difficult as we chose to make it. I have for too long accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously want life to be hard and to be a struggle, thinking and believing that if I am not burdened and struggling, that I am not fully living. What I can take from this is that I know I am capable to direct myself when things are difficult, and I enjoy a challenge – but that difficulty and challenge does not have to come from me struggling to control my environment or burdening myself with thoughts, judgments, reactions and fears. I can challenge myself instead with learning what it really means to take responsibility – to be and become self-responsible, to learn and practice self-creation, and what it means to create myself as the person I want to be. That, in itself, is challenging enough! There is no need to place any more difficulty than is necessary. So, when I pull a card that is ‘an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go”, I see this as my ability to direct myself, and to trust in, and not fight that self-direction, and within this, to continue to develop that trust in myself AS Life. I have often paired “going with the flow” with the words ‘structure’ and ‘flexibility’ in a complimentary support system of words that work best when lived together. I just recently moved back to a farm and communal living environment, where there are lots of people and projects that have differing schedules as well as weather and internet requirements which change all the time. Additionally, there are animals and children with needs that can pop up unexpectedly. Needless to say, the structure here is ever-changing and ever-fluctuating, so developing a structure within this has been quite a challenge for me in the past. The challenge is creating a structure and then being adaptable in every moment. This requires the ability and discipline to structure my time and schedule, as well as the flexibility to change in a moment’s notice, and the art of ‘going with the flow’, as I cannot think about only myself, and must flow with the other people, animals and environment. Having pulled the ‘going with the flow’ card on my first day back is quite a good support and reminder of words to live particularly in this environment. I am used to a life of school and work, both which basically structured my time for me. Here there is no such rigid schedule, and everybody must work together to get things done. I look forward to living the words ‘go with the flow’, within the understanding that it involves developing the discipline of self-direction, and the realization that I can trust myself to walk the process to get it done. This puts me at ease and at peace because the process is a forgiving one, and I can walk it gently.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

ReDefining 'Projection' - 21 Days of Words with Osho - Day 1

I am looking at re-defining and living words by pulling Osho cards for 21 days as a way to choose my words. I take insights from the card, and then look at the word in my own life, in terms of how I have been living it, what the correction is, and how I can move from here on out in such a way that I can live the words in a way that is best for all. The word card for today will be 'projection'. This is day 1 of 20.
This card is depicting two people looking at each other, but not seeing each other for real. We very rarely look at and see each other for real, with our 'vision' of each other being veiled by our own expectations, judgments, fears and desires. We project this on to each other, creating our own virtual realities, with all the people in our lives becoming only projections of ourselves, of all the things we have not taken self-responsibility for. I have done this, and continue to do it to this day, and this card I pulled today is a good reminder of a skill that I know I have, that I have developed with awareness, and that I know how to apply in every moment of my life. That skill is 'taking it back to self', where I have proven to myself through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness, that everything I have ever projected, every judgment I have ever had, has always been about me, and I have always had the ability to take the steps required to sort it out and bring it back to myself, placing my power and the power to see reality for real, squarely in my own hands. I have had this ability, but that does not mean I have always practiced it, and when I have, it doesn't mean it always went smoothly. I have gone into reactions, blame, anger, frustration and all sorts of other emotional states that seemed so real and so justified, only to lead to arguments, fighting and me feeling even more powerless and hurt than before. I think if one doesn't step-in in their own life and take self-responsibility, it is possible to live a life of endless arguments, projection, resent and creating more and more icy cold distance between self and those that one loves the most. With the ups and downs of fighting and making amends, this cycling can make it seem and feel like there is progression, forward motion and evolution within a relationship/friendship/family relation, and this can be called 'life' and 'living'. But the reality is that it is actually an endless repeating cycle that is going nowhere, when the truth is that this time can be spent actually getting to know one another for real. This time can be spent developing real trust, understanding and intimacy in relationships. When we are able to look and not project, but see each other for real, we can develop a true compassion and respect for those closest to us. We can support them and be supported by them, we can be profoundly moved by the reality of others when we go to that place of truly understanding all of them, where they stand and what they are going through. The most effective way I have found to clear up projection is communication. Communication where I either express myself clearly, or, if I am clear within myself, I reach out and ask the other for clarity. Simply explaining self, without blame, projection of ulterior motive, and then asking the other where they stand and what they are/were going through can change ones self-fabricated reality of projection into the real reality we all share, where each one has a perspective and experience unique to them. This does not mean one is either right or wrong, it means taking the responsibility to step up and find out where each one is at, and then move from there instead of moving in the secrecy of one's own mind only. From developing clarity and standing in the actual reality of where each one is at, one can support oneself to clear up the reason and source of the projection one had in the first place. This is what I have lived so far, but where and how will I move forward with the word 'projection' in my life? Re-Defining 'Projection': Within this word I hear the words 'project' and 'shun', where. within projecting we are literally shunning others in our life and world. I will change this to 'project inclusion' as the way I will live this word from now on. This is a full-time living, which is a full-time practice, wherein, when and as I see myself projecting onto others, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there is an issue within me that requires my attention and direction. If I don't sort it out, it will eat at me and deteriorate the relationship I have with the person towards whom I am projecting, and I cannot stand for living like that. I take a stand and use my redefinition of the word 'projection' as 'project-inclusion', to share myself and to include the other person's reality into the way I am perceiving the situation. I can do this by stabilizing myself, expressing/explaining/clarifying myself, and/or reaching out to the other for further clarity and understanding. This is a full-time living redefinition, a step in the process toward real self-change, where living this re-definition becomes me and my living, where I become it as my new normal - a process to walk in 2018 and beyond. For more insight into re-defining and living words, check out: Redefining Words with SOUL

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Day 222- Cesar

I hear a fumbling at my door, and in bursts a little naked firecracker named Cesar, speaking at the top of his lungs, “HEY KIM! WHAT YOU DOING?”, and before I can answer, “What you doing Kim!? You must plaaaay with me! I WANT that!”. And Cesar will come and lean on my desk, or climb into my lap and put his nose right up to mine, look into my eyes, “what you doooing?”
What a unique childhood Cesar is growing up in, growing into, and co-creating along with all of us here at the Desteni farm, now including myself as well. Sometimes I sit in my room at night and work on the computer, and I can hear snippets of conversations going on outside my door. Leila and Gian discussing challenges they are facing with Cesar, Leila and LJ contemplating parenthood, or Maite and Leila sharing experiences from the day with their children. And I listen in fascination as I am not used to such deep and profound topics, or innocent and vulnerable sharings being discussed so openly by the people I am living with. Nothing is secret here. There are no backroom conversations or guarded whispers nor groups within groups. So, when I hear these pieces of conversation, I am not being privy to some exclusive exchange, I rather feel honoured to have captured a moment of the lives of those I am living with. One such moment included Gian and Leila discussing a challenge they were facing with Cesar. I heard Gian say that their son is a creator, not a destroyer, and so he would treat him as such. I know that Cesar does destroy many things, as most children do, as he is learning the difference between ‘toys’, ‘tools’ and also electronic devices, and how to handle them differently. But when he does this Leila and Gian give him his own devices (like an old laptop), or something similar that he can take apart and learn about how it works. He has even come up with his own inventions, like a mouse that you can use from one side of the room, attached to a computer on the other side of the room. This is how they took what most would label as ‘destructive’, and turned it into nurturing Cesars creative ability. And so I am learning from them, and from Cesar, what it means to raise your child within a certain set of principles, using understanding and re-direction instead of lists of rules and regulations. Which brings me to something I heard Leila say when talking about parenting with LJ. She said “maybe I am as much Cesar’s child as he is mine.” This took the ground right out from under my feet, as I have always seen myself in the role of ‘adult’, ‘teacher’ and ‘the one that knows’. But as soon as I heard her say this, I realized everything Cesar has taught me in the short amount of time I have been here. Cesar is teaching me what it means to be patient with myself. He challenges the fuzzy logic I have lived by for so many years with one simple question: “why?”. I have been learning from Gian and Leila about explaining things in a way that makes sense. Because in reality, everything is quite simple, especially in nature, there is a sound reason for everything. It only gets complicated when you get into the mind-made systems of humanity. Like, try explaining rationally why eye-lash curlers exist, or why do certain pens have decorative bits on them. Cesar is also teaching me about persistence and getting things done. He will not let go of a point until he understands it, and can repeat it back in his own words and understanding. He usually has to hear ‘no’ several times, accompanied by an explanation until he is satisfied and will let the point go, or at least wait till he’s bigger. He can wait and be patient when he understands WHY he must wait – especially since Leila and Gian make a point to live their words, and see through the promises they have made him. There is a trust that when Leila says she will do it later – she will – every time. If not, there is always a valid reason, and then Cesar can decide to throw a tantrum, or understand – either way he will be supported back to stability through the adults around him remaining stable no matter what he throws at us. And that is another thing I am being faced with. Pure, unadulterated self-expression in every moment. One time I was responding to emails, and the internet was not working. My emails wouldn’t send and I couldn’t open my inbox after having restarted my computer. My frustration was growing and becoming unbearable. Cesar walked into my room and just screamed at the top of his lungs. Now, there were no dogs around, no one was sleeping, and the baby was in her room with the door closed. Cesar understands there are times when he needs to be quiet around sensitive ears, or consider others while they sleep. So, when I saw it was a moment where it was ok to be loud, I realized that yes, this was exactly how I was feeling. My frustration was triggered in that moment and it was made clear how much of an effect it was having on my body. So, we screamed together, and I just let it out. And that was it. Cesar just walked away, and I closed my laptop realizing there was nothing more I could do in that moment. I decided instead to do something physical to get out of my head and back into my body – avoiding a whole play out that would have normally led to a migraine and pain in my body. Cesar supported me because when he is feeling something, he brings it here naturally and deals with it as best he can and as he knows how. He does require the support and understanding of adults, where we can give him words to explain what he is going through and find ways with him to direct it. But, the thing that he can do so naturally that I struggle with, is to confront what is going on inside him in the moment. I have learned over the years, how to suppress and push down emotional experiences that I did not know how to direct. In supporting Cesar, or watching Leila, Maite, LJ and Gian support their children, I am learning to support the part of me that still has the need for understanding and direction. There is a part in all of us that is still like a child – one that requires words to express, understanding to navigate, gentleness to learn, support to direct ourselves, listening, hearing, and lots of growing pains. Since I’ve been here at the Desteni farm, I have been spending time with Cesar, and at the same time, getting to know the child within me. This way, we learn together. I get to see the world through his eyes, and he through mine. I am inspired by his maturity, independence, and fearlessness at his young age, and he gets to climb up my legs, tackle me on the bed, and just be Cesar. Happy birthday little C. I'm honoured to be a part of your life!!

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Day 221 - Why Are We Afraid to Cry?

I recently had a good cry. I was opening up to Sunette Spies about my appreciation for her and the process she has walked in her life, and I suddenly became teary. I realized why and I will explain that point later, but what struck me in that moment was how it affected me that someone else was seeing me cry. In that moment, I felt like I wanted to hide it, suppress it, and just try to stop and put on a brave face.

When I saw I could not stop it and it had to come out, I wanted to go back to my room and cry in private. But no such luck here at the Desteni farm – this is communal living, and my room is in a house with 7 other people – people that truly care and will go out of their way to ask me what’s wrong, and then open up the point with me until I am satisfied that I see and understand it – unless of course I ask for my space, which I did not.

I did not ask for space precisely because I wanted to challenge this point of being embarrassed about crying in front of others. Leila came in to my room to give me my phone, saw I was crying and asked what was going on. I told her what happened and what I had opened up in the moment with Sunette. I also told her I felt embarrassed about crying, and within myself, I could see that I was feeling a bit out of control due to the emotions welling up and overcoming me, and I felt exceptionally vulnerable.

I have been living in this house where Leila’s son Cesar also lives. He is three, and he immediately expresses everything that comes up in himself without judgment. I used Cesar as an example for me of how to ‘let it all out’ unconditionally, without judgment.

Soon LJ came in and I talked with him as well. I felt no judgment whatsoever from the two of them, which made it plain to see that the only judgment I was feeling was my own. LJ gave me THE most unconditional hug, which was exactly what I needed right then, but which made me want to cry even louder and harder. It brought up this one specific memory from way back, when I was about three. I was in my dad’s arms and I was crying. I was crying in that way that children cry, when the sound that comes out is like a deep, guttural sound coming from the very core of the child. The memory stayed with me because, although I was upset about something, I remember it feeling good to let it out., like it was natural, it was not supposed to be kept in.

I can see how, over the years, I developed judgments about showing my emotions, and slowly over time, began to stop myself in moments where I would have otherwise had a good cry or even a quick cry. It eventually became ‘natural’ for me to suppress crying – within this, suppressing the reasons for which I wanted to cry, leaving them unchecked and left to fester deep down inside of me. Soon, I became comfortable with being uncomfortable, often feeling like I was carrying around an emotional burden that would just sit there with me and become triggered in moments, where I would have to push it back down again.

The last time I can remember ‘letting it all out’ was alone in my room. I had just come back from my visit to the Desteni farm in 2015, where I had gotten in touch with myself in ways that I forgot were even possible. When I got home, what hit me was how much of myself I suppress while living my ‘normal life’ in the system, at work, and with friends and family. Now, keep in mind that I liked my ‘normal life’. I thoroughly enjoy my family and friends, this has nothing to do with them. I simply had been dealing with some patterned behaviour that I couldn’t see until I took a step out of it within my visit to the Desteni farm back in 2015.

I also decided back then to ‘let it all out’ when the realizations came up. I cried alone in my room, a deep, wailing cry into my pillow. It felt good, but I did not fully understand or get to the bottom of it. I left it at ‘I have seen the way things could be’, let it all out, and moved on.

As adults, there is a certain discernment and stability that we need to maintain, using common sense and practicality when it comes to ‘expressing everything that comes up’, or ‘letting it all out’. In this moment recently, however, I knew I had some deeply suppressed emotions that I could not just talk about and write out – I had to also physically release it this time, and so I did. But what I noticed was that I could not completely let go and get to that place where I just let out completely. There was still some resistance to do so due to being an adult, in a room with two other adults.

But that is okay – I will also not judge myself for not being able to ‘go there’ completely. That will also be a process for me to walk as it comes. It will take time, understanding and patience as I develop the self-trust and resolve as I prove to myself that it is okay to be vulnerable, it is ok to let go sometimes.  I am learning that letting go, not being perfect and always in control, and having others see me like this, does not determine who I am at my core. If anything, I am living my process of self-change openly, for others to see where my weaknesses are, what my suppressions are, what I am actively working on.  

The fact that I was doing this with and in front of others also gave me the opportunity to talk about it as it was happening, sharing real time what exactly was going on within me. 

So, what was the point that I had opened up? It was in sharing and showing appreciation for someone else, in this case Sunette, on a deep level, I realized that I had never really taken a moment to show any appreciation towards myself.

On the contrary, I have been living my life highlighting my faults and challenging my weaknesses, creating quite a difficult path for myself while, for the longest time, not having a proper balance of self-creation, which I eventually started to focus on to do which began with this recording: Creating Balance while Changing Yourself,  which inspired me to begin the process here in this blog:

Letting Goof OCD While Birthing A New Me

I also felt a deep and profound sadness coming up from within me, which showed me that it wasn’t only a lack of appreciation, it was something much deeper. The point was made clear to me in this recording:You'll Never Become What You Don't Recognize Within You and I reveal it in detail in this blog:

Two interviews mentioned: 

“While you are in the process of changing an addiction or habitual pattern, how do you avoid the two common pitfalls of ending up suppressing the point or becoming obsessed and possessed within it?
How can you establish a balance so that you let go of the old, while creating the new?
This interview shares practical and creative ways to give yourself structure as well as freedom when taking on the more challenging and addictive patterns you want to change.”

"Do the terms self-worth, self-intimacy, and self-value seem like far away ideas that you are still searching for in your life and yearning to one day express for yourself?
What if the very things you have been waiting for, yearning for, and searching for are already within you and all you have to do is to stop the things that are getting in the way of your real expression?"

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